“Honey, honey, call me on the telephone
I know you’re movin’ out to Hollywood
With your can of tasty foam…“
Not only a Rolling Stones song from ‘72, but the best way to describe what is coming out of 2020’s World Surf League offices.
Yup, and the star the WSL has chosen to lose it’s virginity to is … Oscar-nominated writer, actor, director, and surfer (???) Jonah Hill!
Surely, we can thank COVID-19 for the present state of professional surfing, but we also need to pay attention to WSL’s CEO Erik “Elo” Logan. Perhaps, we even owe a big shaka to Oprah Winfrey for sending us her “Elo” sloppy-seconds.
No doubt, many a local surfer felt the oncoming death of professional wave riding with the video release of 11x Champ Kelly Slater’s perfect wave pool, but this shit is next level. Destined to hammer the final nail into pro surfing’s coffin, the WSL’s just debuted a new video series called “One on One.”
It’s 13 minutes of press junket kookery!
Jonah “Kook” Hill begins the video by claiming “my whole goal was to go surf by myself, can I go surf a spot by myself and stand up on waves?” WTF?! Somebody please put this Val in front of greenscreen and CGI his a$$ into some epic airs and make him go away.
Of course, Mick entertains Hill with graceful banter throughout the entire video sesh, even inviting him to Slater’s ranch for a few waves. Oy Vey! In my mind’s eye, I can see is Mick pushing Hill into one of Lemoore’s finest waves, Hill pearling with a gigantic cannon-ball splash, the entire pond then drained and dry… and McLovin hooting from the sidelines!
Hill touts August 5th, 2019 as the first day he ever went surfing. Yes, not even a year ago. A day that shall live infamy! A day that the WSL Staff now takes as a holiday.
At one moment during this disgustingly chipper discussion, Hill describes his flailing style while riding anything under a 9’0”. Trying to console him, Fanning laments about his own style changes whenever he goes down an inch or two. Meanwhile, clips of him ripping the Gold Coast fill the screen.
But, where are the TMZ clips of Hill flailing at Topanga? The clips of him dropping in on LA County locals? Where is the footage of Hill running from the shorebreak to an entourage of awaiting Toyota Prius-sss? If Harvey Levin doesn’t come up with some footage soon, I will lose all hope in today’s fake news.
To make matters worse, Hill even claimed to ignore the pecking order of the lineup. “I’m trying to get the outside stuff” he recounted, “Yo, I suck!” Jonah, if you suck, stay on the inside, ride a foamie, and show some of that “respect” you tossed around in the interview.
Final note to the WSL: If the league is committed to rubbing elbows with Hollywood stars, maybe they should get Elo to recruit stars that actually know how to surf. Send him to Malibu, ask Sean Penn – very nicely. Get him to buy Chris or Liam Hemsworth a few salty beers; at least those two brothers have actually surfed with Mr. White Lightning… aka… Mick Fanning!
Because, so far, this video is a pathetic attempt to StarF*uk!